Moving in Together with Grace
While wedding planning is sometimes hard, living together can oftentimes be harder. No matter how much you love the other person, there are challenges to moving in together. You have to learn to work together in new ways, whether it’s a new standard of cleanliness or a new aesthetic feel to your living space, good communication becomes vital.
Whether you’re just moving in together or you’ve lived together for years, Robin Beckhard has some advice for how to make living together easier and some of those hard conversations softer.
Robin Beckhard is the founder of Cohabitalk, a coaching service for couples, roommates, and intergenerational families. In collaboration with her husband, Brian, Robin helps clients discuss and negotiate money, space, belongings, and behaviors with each other so they, too, can live happily ever after, or at least peacefully coexist.
Avoiding Major Missteps When Moving In Together
Moving in together for the first time can be a challenge for many couples. Just because you’re soulmates doesn’t mean your partner is a mind reader or you won’t have problems communicating skillfully. Living together takes work.
Here are Robin’s top tips for avoiding major missteps:
Discuss uncomfortable topics. People hate talking about personal things too soon in a relationship, but some things should be discussed sooner rather than later. Finances (how things will be split) and chores (how routine tasks will be divided) are topics that have the potential to cause strife. Don’t assume you and your partner will automatically be on the same page. Have honest talks about talks before they become a point of contention. If too many things are swept under the rug, the rug gets very bumpy and you trip on it. Have the conversation before it becomes an issue.
Respect your partner. This sounds easier than it is. You likely each grew up with your own routines and expectations. Communicating and respecting your partner’s habits and expectations, especially when they are different from yours, is important. Your new home should be a home for both of you. Mutual respect will ensure you both feel at home in your new home.
Pick your battles. Before engaging, ask yourself, is it worth the fight? Should you nitpick how your partner loads the dishwasher if the dishes are going to get clean no matter what? There are battles that are worth having, but there are some that simply aren’t. Understand what’s important to you and what might not be that big of a deal, especially 20 years down the road.
Say thank you, a lot. Acknowledging your partner can go a long way in developing the mutual respect that’s crucial to creating a comfortable home life and having difficult conversations when necessary. A simple, ‘thanks for unloading the dishwasher,’ can be huge. People like to be seen and appreciated, so make sure you are still showing that appreciation to each other.
An Easier Way to Decorate Together
As you set up your home together, you should both see yourselves in that space. Blending homes can be hard and full of compromise, but at the end of the day, you both will want to enjoy the look and feel of your home.
Here are some small tips to make the process easier:
Blend your spaces. If your partner has something they love, a particular color or painting, make sure to include it when decorating. It doesn’t have to be everywhere all the time, but finding appropriate and meaningful ways to include cherished items or preferred styles and colors can go a long way to creating a space that reflects you both.
Find out your partner’s “Why.” When you understand where your partner is coming from, you can get creative in incorporating style and decor in meaningful ways that suit you both. Understanding their motivations can help the conversation and allow you to empathize with your partner, which in turn makes them feel seen and heard. Then they are more likely to do the same for you, when they don;t immediately understand why you want what you do as much as you do.
Respect the space as mutual. This space is for both of you. Be sure to remember that your space should be pleasing and functional for you and your partner.
Skillful Communication Using Your Love Language
All this really boils down to clear communication. People aren’t mind-readers, no matter how in love you might be.
Clear and honest communication can make this whole process so much easier. Communicate what bothers you, but also what you need from your partner. Then be sure to listen in kind when they communicate to you what bothers them and what they need from you.
Robin recommends reading the Five Love Languages if you haven’t already.
The book is about the five different ways people show and receive love. Understanding this can improve your communication. You might be speaking different languages, and just getting on the same page could solve a lot of problems. It can also give you the words to ask for what you need.
Communicate Regularly
Have conversations and check-ins on a regular basis. While it’s continual work, by regularly making sure you’re still on the same page, it can take some pressure off of the ‘big talks.’ Don’t let things fester.
Finally, sometimes it is helpful to bring in a third party. You don’t HAVE to resolve these issues yourselves and it could be helpful and doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. Sometimes you need that outside perspective to reach a compromise and that’s okay.
Mentioned in this interview
Where to find Robin
Website: cohabitalk.com